Dream - Sunday 3 January 2016

Another very weird dream so as part of my New Year’s Resolution, I’m going to try and write them down.

We were at J’s house and he was wearing motorbike leathers that were grey instead of black. The trousers had some kind of flowery pink codpiece pattern to it (can you tell I watched Labyrinth recently and DB’s codpiece shape featured quite heavily in the discussion. Ugg.) but the trousers themselves were covered in little manga characters and white/pink flowers.

He was complaining that we hadn’t listened to his latest song enough and should sit down and watch the video. I think the other people there felt that they had watched the video and listened to the song enough and didn’t really want to listen to it anymore. He decided to kidnap someone’s dog and carry up a ladder that was leaned against the back of the house and press the dog up against the window as a threat. We ended up watching the music video.

Horrible dreams

Well, I'd like to say I slept well but although it was asleep, I had the most horrendous dreams.

I bought an old speculum from the 50s that came in a green velvet lined box and instructions. I remember it being on a shelf and me finding it really fascinating.

An Eastern European man tried to rape me but didn't. He just undressed me and had me lying on the kitchen floor and I couldn't get away as he kept biting me really hard and it hurt my bum and my legs. There were loads of postcards around and I concentrated on ones of Ossett and Taunton to try and take my mind off it. Eventually I managed to kick him really hard and run away.

I was in a car on a holiday camp and kept trying to escape this traffic warden woman. Eventually I got tired and decided to give myself in but when I was walking towards the woman, a paramedic in a mask tried to accost me. We then realised I wasn't who I was looking for and he let me go and I walked over to this woman.

The last part just before I woke up was that mama died and I had her foot in a pan because I didn't have an urn or anything. I remember panicking because I didn't know what to do with her but I knew I had to do something. I eventually went to this funeral place where this lad stood on a concrete porch at the front and started to put the pan in a bath And fill it up with water. Then I woke up.

I wouldn't even like to start analysing what any of this means.

Yoga, bleached jeans, standards conference, Ireland, TSB and comments

So I am writing about the dream that I had last night.

For some reason, yoga was involved but I'm not sure how. I think maybe I was watching people doing yoga, I don't think I was actually doing it myself.

There was a pair of jeans that were straight leg and dark in colour and I think that they were quite cheap, not designer or anything. They were lying on the floor somewhere and they were being covered in bleach, front and back. Then I wore the jeans because I thought they looked much better that way. they probably didn't.

The main part of the dream was that I was at a standards conference somewhere and JW from work was there with me. Part of it was placed in Princes Exchange, near my desk that I used to sit at when I worked for JT and the fire curtain was down in front of the windows so it was a little dark. People were stood in the stairwell though chatting about things and they were wearing smart clothes. At some point there was a speaker up at the front who was talking about standards. and giving an experience about standards.

Ireland for some reason were not really participating. Their delegation was huddled in a corner, talking amongst themselves whenever I saw them. There were Chinese whispers and rumours that 'The Irish' were going to have to pull out from the conference for some reason. It'd turned out that 'The Irish' had lost all their money and were going to have to sell their shares in Lloyds TSB in order to stay afloat.

Someone (S.Gore) wrote lots of comments on the standard and there was another couple loitering around.

And there we go - didn't think any of it would make sense. I think it's quite funny that I dreamed about 'The Irish' losing all their money and selling their shares in Lloyds TSB.

More dreams to follow.

Dreaming

I dream a lot. Even when I'm suffering from insomnia, I tend to have weird dreams in those few hours. It's never really bothered me aside from a couple of re-occuring nightmares although I'm still always surprised by how well I remember my dreams. They're often so vivid, complex, drawn out and I remember most details down to the colour of the backlight on the perspex futuristic gearstick plate in the weird Smart Car I was driving round Hyde Park once, or the smell and look of the pub that I was stood in a dark alley next to and I even drew the hill that it sat on.

I've told people about my dreams before and some have been surprised at how long / vivid / ludicrous they are. I started writing them down last year because I wanted to remember them, and I suppose look back through to see if there were any themes in them or points of interest. I stopped doing that as I didn't have time although I did try to write key words on post it notes as soon as I woke up which were enough to jog my memory to enable me to write a full account when I could.

My mum thinks that there's something to my dreams. I'm not so sure. I sometimes think that I should be worried by the things that I dream about; recently I dreamt about being on the top of a double decker open top bus and watching two brothers who were preparing to assassinate a President of an African country. Something went wrong and they instead ended up killing a black lady called Amy who was sitting on the top deck of the bus. I then remember being outside my old flat near Park Lane College but the little park over the road wasn't a park, it was flattened waste land and rubble and Amy's body was lying there and she was dead. Then I was reading on Twitter and heard on the news about a brave woman who'd died but she was pregnant and the baby had been delivered and had survived. The baby belonged to Amy.  I suppose this all sounds quite weird, being around so much death but it doesn't really bother me so much - I don't think there's anything wrong with me or there's a problem. I hope I'm not supposed to worry about it all.

I've decided that it may be easier to electronically record my dreams instead of trying to write them down each time I've had one. I guess they're often not going to make sense and might not make even interesting reading but with my frightful memory, I'm more concerned that I just get them down.

I like that I have my dreams and I love that I remember them. Wouldn't night time be boring without dreams?

My stereotypical Inner City Mixed Race Broken Family

I never really thought I made efforts to move away from the stereotype that was probably applied to me. I don't think I ever really thought about it as a child but as a grown up (...) I can see now that maybe I did. I played cello, liked poetry, liked metal and as an adult, I still like these things but I practise Buddhism now and try to be an all round good person. I was going to say good egg then but I'm scared of eggs. I've written that word twice now.

Then again, I have been arrested twice, taken a lot of drugs, slept with people who retrospectively, I shouldn't have done and never really did very well at school.

I guess now I think about it, I feel cross that my family is the stereotypical mixed race inner city broken family and that makes me very sad. I always thought I did the whole 'I'm better than this' and now I just think I'm a stereotype that is a product of another stereotype. I don't think I am better than this.

I'll list other members of my inner city mixed race broken family but for now, I'll write about two. (ICMRBF) consists of:

Father - black man who is an adulterous and spineless man who cannot persevere with anything whatsoever. He is verbally and physically abusive to his family but manages to convince others (including the women that he cheats on the mother with)  that he is an okay guy. He runs off with one of his mistresses, leaving the rest of the ICMFBR to fend for themselves.  He then has an epiphany, he is 'more' than this, he is 'better' than this and by buying Molton Brown skincare products and learning to play golf, he shows everyone that he really is better than this. Yes, he owns plus fours but he still somehow manages to slip back into patois whenever anywhere near LS7. Obviously the dirty little secret that he's black is forgotten by the time he gets back to LS18, he thinks nobody knows. Black man gone whack.

Daughter 1 - Eldest daughter. That is me so it's hard to write without sounding like an arsehole. Total Daddy's girl, dotes on her father, oblivious to what is really doing on. Has some non-sexual reverse Oedipus complex and dislikes the mother. Is probably the most gutted of all when father leaves but instead of breaking down, Daughter 1 gets all nasty and hostile. Gets kicked out of house after fisticuffs with mother and avoids getting involved for a long, long time. Even now, feels a little disconnected even though two young nieces are worth doting on and getting involved her. Daughter 1 goes all YOUNG, SINGLE, INDEPENDENT BLACK WOMAN WHO DON'T NEED NO MAN for a bit after a brief abusive relationship. Doesn't settle for anything that's not right but has some very deep seated need to be loved and needed, even though she thinks she doesn't. Has a 4 year relationship that fizzles out due to boredom, again goes YOUNG, SINGLE (you get the gist) woman before getting into another relationship. Decides never to settle for anyone that isn't right. Likelihood of dying alone is high. Daughter 1 doesn't mind so much, it's easier than opening up to someone again that doesn't 'get it' and going through the trauma all over again. BROWN WOMAN GONE ????

More ICMRBF later.

Today I am

Today I am:

Unhappy.
Tired.
Cross.
Vulnerable.
Confused.

I get these things a lot of the time. But today was the first day in a long long time that rather than just bottling them all up inside and trying to ignore them as they're too horrible, I tried to deal with them.

I chanted about the things that have happened / I've learnt have happened before and resolved that I won't act irrationally.

I'd like to - brick my father's windows.
Actual - will speak to my sisters to agree on what we will do.


I'd like to - drink myself to oblivion and pull a sickie tomorrow so I can sit in bed all day moaning and watching James Bond films.
Actual - drink redbush tea and go to sleep early so I can get up early to source bricks for bricking my father's windows.. Not really. Although I'd love to.

I'm going to try and do more actuals as they are productive and better in the long run.

DO ACTUALS, HAYLEY.

Dear Hayley

Dear Hayley,

Please be happy.  Please strive to become really, really happy. Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, the universe and everything in it is working so hard to protect your beautiful life. Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.

But, this happiness won't just come on its own you know, you have to make real efforts to get onto the path of happiness. It's your responsibility to go and get it. I know that you know this deep down.

I know that when you read this you're probably feeling very low or very numb. Just feeling nothing at all really.  You're possibly worrying about  the many things in your life that seem to need your immediate attention. You cope well at first but then things don't settle down and it seems to become a never-ending cycle of things to do. This may be work related and then when you get home it seems that these things don't disappear from your head. It may be family related and you're feeling that you have to keep everything ticking over and feeling so stretched takes its toll on you. I know that you feel there's a never-ending list of things to do and all you want to do is run away and be alone.

It may be dissatisfaction with aspects of your life and you're frustrated that you don't feel you're getting anywhere. You look back over the years and the path that you've taken feels like it's not the one that you really wanted to take but to forge a new path now may be too difficult. But you're young Hayley. You're just worried about the unknown and a potential lack of security but you don't know what's out there, waiting for you to go and get it.

I know that insomnia doesn't help things either. I know it really aggressively diminishes your ability to cope.

Being in this state of negativity and hopelessness is a horrible place to be. It's not that where you want to be is far away, it's that you don't know where you want to be. But happiness isn't somewhere else, it's where you stand right this second. Honestly Hayley, it's right here. I promise you. You can't run away from your unhappiness and negativity because your happiness is all this shit and unhappiness you feel just waiting to be changed into something positive.

I know you feel that that sometimes the problem isn't your fault and sometimes it probably isn't, but the only thing that you can change is yourself. Please don't get worked up because you feel disrespected, you are only upsetting yourself. Just speak to the person/people in question when you feel stronger and explain how you feel.

I want these words to be of comfort and inspiration to you when you read them. Not full of twee bullshit sayings, but something that you really can take stock in and use to recalibrate yourself. Because I know that you can. Just look back at all the times when you've felt like this before. And no, you haven't run out of steam and can't do it. You know you haven't.

We don't need to talk about what makes you unhappy, we know what makes you unhappy. I just know that you have a choice. You can either continue to feel helpless and unhappy or you can choose to try and change things. I know that the latter is the most difficult option Hayley, I really, really do. But, you know it is the right thing to do. I want this to be something that gives you the courage to decide to change your karma.

If you are feeling sad because you feel like a slightly unhinged, obsessive, anal, cantankerous woman, then so what? You shouldn't care if you are these things. Not being anal makes you unhappy so do what you feel is right and natural. If you are sad because you think that you're going to be alone forever, then I cannot stress enough to you that you shouldn't change. Being alone and by yourself is so, so much better than compromising yourself to your own detriment to please someone else. You know this for a fact because you tried this and remember what happened? No boy or girl is worth changing yourself for. So fuck them. Actually, don't fuck them but when you are at your most confident and happy with yourself is when you are probably the most attractive.

Anyway, I know that you love to be to the point. So:

1. You are awesome. Insignificant, unapproachable and rude you are not.

2. Your happiness is your responsibility. How can you be truly happy if you let someone else be in control of your happiness?

3. You have this weird little daydream thing about time and endurance that includes clocks ticking. I can't describe it but you know what it is - just bide your time, lovely. Just continuing to strive will help.

4. Go easy on yourself. You're not a bad person you know. Just because you don't volunteer or chant as much as you feel you should - you are still making efforts!

You are loved, valued and respected and you deserve to be happy. Everyone you love knows this, please try to see it for yourself. Take a deep breath, go and snot on some loo roll and eat cakes. Then tomorrow, start again.

With all my love,

Hayley