Today I am:
Unhappy.
Tired.
Cross.
Vulnerable.
Confused.
I get these things a lot of the time. But today was the first day in a long long time that rather than just bottling them all up inside and trying to ignore them as they're too horrible, I tried to deal with them.
I chanted about the things that have happened / I've learnt have happened before and resolved that I won't act irrationally.
I'd like to - brick my father's windows.
Actual - will speak to my sisters to agree on what we will do.
I'd like to - drink myself to oblivion and pull a sickie tomorrow so I can sit in bed all day moaning and watching James Bond films.
Actual - drink redbush tea and go to sleep early so I can get up early to source bricks for bricking my father's windows.. Not really. Although I'd love to.
I'm going to try and do more actuals as they are productive and better in the long run.
DO ACTUALS, HAYLEY.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Dear Hayley
Dear Hayley,
Please be happy. Please strive to become really, really happy. Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, the universe and everything in it is working so hard to protect your beautiful life. Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.
But, this happiness won't just come on its own you know, you have to make real efforts to get onto the path of happiness. It's your responsibility to go and get it. I know that you know this deep down.
I know that when you read this you're probably feeling very low or very numb. Just feeling nothing at all really. You're possibly worrying about the many things in your life that seem to need your immediate attention. You cope well at first but then things don't settle down and it seems to become a never-ending cycle of things to do. This may be work related and then when you get home it seems that these things don't disappear from your head. It may be family related and you're feeling that you have to keep everything ticking over and feeling so stretched takes its toll on you. I know that you feel there's a never-ending list of things to do and all you want to do is run away and be alone.
It may be dissatisfaction with aspects of your life and you're frustrated that you don't feel you're getting anywhere. You look back over the years and the path that you've taken feels like it's not the one that you really wanted to take but to forge a new path now may be too difficult. But you're young Hayley. You're just worried about the unknown and a potential lack of security but you don't know what's out there, waiting for you to go and get it.
I know that insomnia doesn't help things either. I know it really aggressively diminishes your ability to cope.
Being in this state of negativity and hopelessness is a horrible place to be. It's not that where you want to be is far away, it's that you don't know where you want to be. But happiness isn't somewhere else, it's where you stand right this second. Honestly Hayley, it's right here. I promise you. You can't run away from your unhappiness and negativity because your happiness is all this shit and unhappiness you feel just waiting to be changed into something positive.
I know you feel that that sometimes the problem isn't your fault and sometimes it probably isn't, but the only thing that you can change is yourself. Please don't get worked up because you feel disrespected, you are only upsetting yourself. Just speak to the person/people in question when you feel stronger and explain how you feel.
I want these words to be of comfort and inspiration to you when you read them. Not full of twee bullshit sayings, but something that you really can take stock in and use to recalibrate yourself. Because I know that you can. Just look back at all the times when you've felt like this before. And no, you haven't run out of steam and can't do it. You know you haven't.
We don't need to talk about what makes you unhappy, we know what makes you unhappy. I just know that you have a choice. You can either continue to feel helpless and unhappy or you can choose to try and change things. I know that the latter is the most difficult option Hayley, I really, really do. But, you know it is the right thing to do. I want this to be something that gives you the courage to decide to change your karma.
If you are feeling sad because you feel like a slightly unhinged, obsessive, anal, cantankerous woman, then so what? You shouldn't care if you are these things. Not being anal makes you unhappy so do what you feel is right and natural. If you are sad because you think that you're going to be alone forever, then I cannot stress enough to you that you shouldn't change. Being alone and by yourself is so, so much better than compromising yourself to your own detriment to please someone else. You know this for a fact because you tried this and remember what happened? No boy or girl is worth changing yourself for. So fuck them. Actually, don't fuck them but when you are at your most confident and happy with yourself is when you are probably the most attractive.
Anyway, I know that you love to be to the point. So:
1. You are awesome. Insignificant, unapproachable and rude you are not.
2. Your happiness is your responsibility. How can you be truly happy if you let someone else be in control of your happiness?
3. You have this weird little daydream thing about time and endurance that includes clocks ticking. I can't describe it but you know what it is - just bide your time, lovely. Just continuing to strive will help.
4. Go easy on yourself. You're not a bad person you know. Just because you don't volunteer or chant as much as you feel you should - you are still making efforts!
You are loved, valued and respected and you deserve to be happy. Everyone you love knows this, please try to see it for yourself. Take a deep breath, go and snot on some loo roll and eat cakes. Then tomorrow, start again.
With all my love,
Hayley
Please be happy. Please strive to become really, really happy. Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, the universe and everything in it is working so hard to protect your beautiful life. Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.
But, this happiness won't just come on its own you know, you have to make real efforts to get onto the path of happiness. It's your responsibility to go and get it. I know that you know this deep down.
I know that when you read this you're probably feeling very low or very numb. Just feeling nothing at all really. You're possibly worrying about the many things in your life that seem to need your immediate attention. You cope well at first but then things don't settle down and it seems to become a never-ending cycle of things to do. This may be work related and then when you get home it seems that these things don't disappear from your head. It may be family related and you're feeling that you have to keep everything ticking over and feeling so stretched takes its toll on you. I know that you feel there's a never-ending list of things to do and all you want to do is run away and be alone.
It may be dissatisfaction with aspects of your life and you're frustrated that you don't feel you're getting anywhere. You look back over the years and the path that you've taken feels like it's not the one that you really wanted to take but to forge a new path now may be too difficult. But you're young Hayley. You're just worried about the unknown and a potential lack of security but you don't know what's out there, waiting for you to go and get it.
I know that insomnia doesn't help things either. I know it really aggressively diminishes your ability to cope.
Being in this state of negativity and hopelessness is a horrible place to be. It's not that where you want to be is far away, it's that you don't know where you want to be. But happiness isn't somewhere else, it's where you stand right this second. Honestly Hayley, it's right here. I promise you. You can't run away from your unhappiness and negativity because your happiness is all this shit and unhappiness you feel just waiting to be changed into something positive.
I know you feel that that sometimes the problem isn't your fault and sometimes it probably isn't, but the only thing that you can change is yourself. Please don't get worked up because you feel disrespected, you are only upsetting yourself. Just speak to the person/people in question when you feel stronger and explain how you feel.
I want these words to be of comfort and inspiration to you when you read them. Not full of twee bullshit sayings, but something that you really can take stock in and use to recalibrate yourself. Because I know that you can. Just look back at all the times when you've felt like this before. And no, you haven't run out of steam and can't do it. You know you haven't.
We don't need to talk about what makes you unhappy, we know what makes you unhappy. I just know that you have a choice. You can either continue to feel helpless and unhappy or you can choose to try and change things. I know that the latter is the most difficult option Hayley, I really, really do. But, you know it is the right thing to do. I want this to be something that gives you the courage to decide to change your karma.
If you are feeling sad because you feel like a slightly unhinged, obsessive, anal, cantankerous woman, then so what? You shouldn't care if you are these things. Not being anal makes you unhappy so do what you feel is right and natural. If you are sad because you think that you're going to be alone forever, then I cannot stress enough to you that you shouldn't change. Being alone and by yourself is so, so much better than compromising yourself to your own detriment to please someone else. You know this for a fact because you tried this and remember what happened? No boy or girl is worth changing yourself for. So fuck them. Actually, don't fuck them but when you are at your most confident and happy with yourself is when you are probably the most attractive.
Anyway, I know that you love to be to the point. So:
1. You are awesome. Insignificant, unapproachable and rude you are not.
2. Your happiness is your responsibility. How can you be truly happy if you let someone else be in control of your happiness?
3. You have this weird little daydream thing about time and endurance that includes clocks ticking. I can't describe it but you know what it is - just bide your time, lovely. Just continuing to strive will help.
4. Go easy on yourself. You're not a bad person you know. Just because you don't volunteer or chant as much as you feel you should - you are still making efforts!
You are loved, valued and respected and you deserve to be happy. Everyone you love knows this, please try to see it for yourself. Take a deep breath, go and snot on some loo roll and eat cakes. Then tomorrow, start again.
With all my love,
Hayley
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Operating out of Hell
In Nicherin Buddhism, we believe in a concept called 'The Ten Worlds'. At any one time we are operating out of one of these worlds but the interesting things about The Ten Worlds are:
- At any time we are in one of the worlds, this incorporates the other nine at the same time. So we may be 90% of one world but the remaining 10% is made up of a tiny little bit of each of the other nine. This is always the case.
- Each of the worlds has a positive side and a negative side to it, no matter what. The lowest world Hell, has a positive side and the highest world, Buddha, has a negative side. This is always the case.
- We have the ability to change the world that we are currently living in. This is always the case.
I'm currently operating out of the world of Hell. I didn't know that I was until just now. I was doing evening Gongyo and during the personal prayers part of my practise I burst into uncontrollable tears. And then I realised so many things at the same time.
What I thought was an effort to do new and exciting things is really a fear of accepting and dealing with the things I currently have. I thought that doing these new things was me working out of the world of Learning. It's not. It's me shirking right what's on my own doorstep because I don't want to deal with it. I am operating out of Hell.
I thought telling my ex boyfriend that we could no longer even be just friends was the sensible thing to do. I thought it would save any potential heartache and would mean that I didn't feel responsible for any struggles that he may have. I thought I was in Realisation but I was in fact being selfish and not opening my heart to anyone who wished to view it. I am operating out of Hell.
I thought that striving in my life to be a 'good person' by volunteering and helping others was me operating out of the world of Boddhisatva. I thought that by assisting others and acting selflessly (but not self disrespectingly so) would create value in others' lives and encourage them to seek happiness for themselves. I was in fact trying to elevate myself above others so that I had a reason to feel good about myself and doing 'my bit'. I have enough self awareness to not put others down and make them feel bad but I am doing the opposite but to just the same amount of harm. I am not pushing myself for my own happiness or to create value for other people, I am doing it because I'm unhappy with myself as is and feel the need to make myself feel better than others by trying to create so much value. I am operating out of Jell.
I think the last time that I had a stern word with myself in such a way was around ten years ago. My parents had broken up and I had one traumatised mother and two unhappy little sisters. The situation, which is too long to explain at this time, made me reassess the whole way that I thought and acted. I made a conscious effort from that moment to always strive to be independent and to create value in my own life as I was sure that nobody else would do it. Over the last ten years, I've turned into a strong, independent and driven woman. These could be seen as good things in the eyes of some people but I know that they are not qualities based on a good grounding. They are traits forced out of extreme unhappiness and fear. I didn't know when was 'too much' and I think I've gone too far and in some regards, I've isolated myself.
I make acquaintances very easily. I made friends with some effort. I find it very difficult to make the kind of relationship that has that understood and accepted level of trust between two friends that means I would feel comfortable confiding my deepest, darkest secrets to this person. I don't know how to confide in people properly and I don't know how to deal with people confiding in me properly. I operate out of this world of hell where I have no compassion or wisdom and my response to someone in a crisis is usually 'if you don't like your situation, change it'. There's always a silent addendum of ' I didn't like my situation so changed it - you should do too'. I forget that sometimes it's not easy for people to change their situation. They might now have the courage to do it, the wisdom to know how to do it, or the knowledge of what they actually want to change.
I never suffered fools gladly but I know now that I am the biggest fool of all. Ten years of struggling on without really developing my skills of compassion and wisdom for those closest around me have left me feeling a little empty. I have friends but I wish I could be better to them. I don't want to be an example of how things should be done to my friends and this is what I think I have striven to do. I want to be the equal of my friends and really respect their lives enough to put my ego to one side. I want them to trust me and value me like I value and love them, deep down. I just have this mask on that means I hide some emotions from people because they make me vulnerable. And the feeling of vulnerability is the worst feeling of all.
I made a pledge ten years ago to strive so hard and focus on the future with such determination that I would not feel the pain of anything negative in my life. Refusing to accept the pain means that I have also missed out on ten years of true friendships and the possibility of creating true value in mine and others' lives. I was for a long time dodging the bullets by running so fast that one would never catch me. For ten years I've been operating out of the world of hell.
I made a pledge today, ten years on that I will really strive to make deep connections with those who are the most treasured to me. This includes my family and my friends, without exception. I will finally stop striving to be the best and strive to be a fantastic, trusted friend to everyone around me. I can stop running because even if these bullets that I've been dodging for ten years hit me, I am prepared for them. With the connections that I have with others being so strong and unshakeable and having the protection from the universe, nothing will hurt me.
"Since I willingly bring these troubles upon myself, when others vilify me, I do not rebuke them. Even if I wanted to rebuke them, there are too many of them. And even when they strike me, I feel no pain, for I have been prepared for their blows from the very beginning". On Repaying Debts of Gratitude by Nicherin Daishonin.
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
10 sad songs
If I was going to make a CD of sad songs that would make me cry, these songs would be on it:
- Isla d'Elba by Frank Gambale
- Lontana by Ludovico Einaudi
- Everything is Everything by Lauryn Hill
- Bedshaped by Keane
- The Earth Dies Screaming by UB40
- I'm going down by Mary J Blige
- Dayvan Cowboy by Boards of Canada
- Minerva by The Deftones
- My Angel Rocks Back and Forth by Fourtet
- You are mine by MuteMath
Monday, 30 April 2012
My first ever driving playlist for Key Domino.
So, I bought a car right. It cost me a fortune to learn to drive one, a fortune (and a lot of heartache and stress) to buy one and a smaller, but still considerable fortune to insure it.
My car is called Key Domino.
But it's my car and therefore gone are the days of having to endure other people's music. I'm really impatient so like to skip tracks before they've ended. Actually, I just like the intro and possibly the first chorus on most songs and that's enough for me. Doing this, makes me a 'coke DJ' apparently. But for the first time ever, I've been able to make a playlist full of songs that I really like and not worry about anybody else liking them (if they didn't, they're in my car so can either a) get the hell out of my car or b) shut the fuck up) or not.
The songs are:
Ready for the weekend by Calvin Harris.
I used to really fancy Calvin Harris. Combination of him being a bit good looking and the fact that he replied to me a few times on Twitter before he turned into a massive wanker. I think it was 30% good looking, 60% Twitter. Actually, 20% good looking, 80% Twitter. So this song is just really catchy, the thing I like about it is the chorus. By listening to the voice, I like to think it's one of those big, black soulful women who warble over pop songs and dance songs. It's just a simple, catchy little pop song that makes me feel happy.
Football Season is over (Utah Saints version) by Bring me the Horizon.
Ok so I'm not really a fan of Bring me the Horizon but I love the whole cut up album. I don't usually like mash up stuff but this is just a really ace tune that makes you want to make those dirty sex faces and throw your arms about when it gets going. The cut up vocals of the singer just add to it, rather than detract and it never fails to win me over.
Opiate the Masses by Dälek
This reminds me of Graham. It reminds me of waking up in the morning at his old house knowing I had to go to work and not wanting to, I remember the sunshine coming in through the curtains and waking me up so although this song is some kind of out-there experimental hip hop, it will always remind of being happy waking up.
Late for the Kill, Early for the Slaughter by Soilwork
I love Soilwork as they're like a slightly less obvious Killswitch Engage. They're a really good metal band to party to. Some would say they're a bit 'metal chump' which may be true but I don't mind that. It makes me feel like I ought to be at a festival in Europe in shorts and sunglasses with a bottle of lukewarm cider in my hand singing along half cut at about 5pm. Plus, it always makes me laugh as Graham insists on singing the chorus in the voice of either Ren or Stimpy, so some central American accent.
Pressure by Skindred
I think Skindred are a band who really are unique. I've seen them a few times before and they've always put on a really good show. I'm not a massive fan of anything that's not on Babylon and this is one of the finest on there. I don't really like Ragga but this has enough to make it awesome but not so much that it's overkill.
Unison (Knife Party remix) by Porter Robinson
Porter Robinson is new to me but I love this song because it has a lot of bass, it's catchy and there's a drop in it that would probably frighten my mother half to death.
Fucking Hostile by Pantera
I love a bit of chuggy metal, as much as the next person. To be honest, this could have been any Pantera song. And who does chug better than Pantera?
The Scenic Route by Panacea
Panacea are new to me and when I got one of their albums, this is the only song that really appealed to me. I know it's a bit mainstream and a bit 'Jurassic 5 a là 1996' but I love the chords and the way it makes me feel. I want to drive in the sunshine to this and play it loudly. I want to wear sunglasses, shorts and my Clark's Originals sandals and drive around the countryside with my friends in the back of the car. I
Jaded by Open Hand
I'd never heard of this band until the boyf introduced them to be and from what I understand this one album is the only one that's actually of any cop really. Out of the 13 songs (I think) on this album, I adore about 6 of them. That's quite a high hit rate. It's just beautiful with a really lilting vocal line. I just need to remember not to focus on trying to hit the high notes when driving round tight corners.
Split the Atom by Noisia
I rarely experience it anymore but there's a feeling I get when I've had a certain substance and a few drinks and I'm out in a club with my friends and a banger of a tune comes on. It's a dirty little number that makes you hold your wine glass in the air, pout your lips and do your 'sexy dance' whilst giving your girlfriend the 'you know you want this' eyes that you'd prefer to be giving to your boyfriend if he wasn't there. This song reminds me of that coked up sexy feeling. Some of you will know what I mean by this.
Epitaph by Necrophagist
Cos everyone loves pretending to be the (air) drummer in a technical death metal band. It's just a shame that hands and feet are vital when operating a tonne of moving metal.
Katharsis by Nachtmahr
Oh man. Nachtmahr, I love Nachtmahr. I'll stop talking about Nachtmahr but I really love Nachtmahr.
Whiplash by Mr Scruff
Mr Scruff, ace tunes but miserable bastard. I like the adjectives that way round. I like the bass in this song, it makes me almost want to buy one of those sub woofer things that would take up the whole of my boot. But then I'd have no room for multi buy toilet rolls that I bought on special offer and I am, after all a Yorkshire woman at heart.
I Just Can't Stop Loving You by Michael Jackson
I love singing along to it. Car or no car.
I Need Air by Magnetic Man
I love everything about this song. Even that all the lyrics are obviously about giving head to someone. I love the triplet beat and the harmonies and the vocals. Everything. It's one of a few of my 'spacey' songs. Typical by MuteMath being one of the other.
Internet Friends by Knife Party
Trashy, I know. But it's funny and now I've hit the ripe old age of 27, I can have a laugh. The riff when it kicks in is dirty and you will throw down to it.
Something Kinda Ooh by Girls Aloud
This is probably about as bad as my musical taste gets. The ultimate in guilty pleasures.
8 Bit Superhero by Excision
Everyone loves 8 bit or chiptune and I can't drive to DJ Scotch Egg.
Pull me Under by Dream Theater
Don't tell anyone but when I was younger, I was a bit of a music snob and therefore liked Prog Rock. Thank the Lord I've managed to get my massive head out of my massive arse and open my (now poopy) eyes - there's loads of great music out there. Just cos Lames Labrie doesn't warble along to it, doesn't mean it's not good. But I still can't help but like this song.
My Own Summer by the Deftones
This reminds me of being about 19, in clubs in Leeds with my friends dancing like nobody could see me. Of course, I was wholly aware that everyone could see me and was probably judging me but 10 ciders, great music and my friends meant that I really didn't care. I still dance like a broken helicopter - just think of lots of random jerking about and broken propellors blades sticking out at jaunty angles. Yeah, I perfected that dance to this song.
Be Quiet and Drive by the Deftones
Because one Deftones song is never enough.
My car is called Key Domino.
But it's my car and therefore gone are the days of having to endure other people's music. I'm really impatient so like to skip tracks before they've ended. Actually, I just like the intro and possibly the first chorus on most songs and that's enough for me. Doing this, makes me a 'coke DJ' apparently. But for the first time ever, I've been able to make a playlist full of songs that I really like and not worry about anybody else liking them (if they didn't, they're in my car so can either a) get the hell out of my car or b) shut the fuck up) or not.
The songs are:
Ready for the weekend by Calvin Harris.
I used to really fancy Calvin Harris. Combination of him being a bit good looking and the fact that he replied to me a few times on Twitter before he turned into a massive wanker. I think it was 30% good looking, 60% Twitter. Actually, 20% good looking, 80% Twitter. So this song is just really catchy, the thing I like about it is the chorus. By listening to the voice, I like to think it's one of those big, black soulful women who warble over pop songs and dance songs. It's just a simple, catchy little pop song that makes me feel happy.
Football Season is over (Utah Saints version) by Bring me the Horizon.
Ok so I'm not really a fan of Bring me the Horizon but I love the whole cut up album. I don't usually like mash up stuff but this is just a really ace tune that makes you want to make those dirty sex faces and throw your arms about when it gets going. The cut up vocals of the singer just add to it, rather than detract and it never fails to win me over.
Opiate the Masses by Dälek
This reminds me of Graham. It reminds me of waking up in the morning at his old house knowing I had to go to work and not wanting to, I remember the sunshine coming in through the curtains and waking me up so although this song is some kind of out-there experimental hip hop, it will always remind of being happy waking up.
Late for the Kill, Early for the Slaughter by Soilwork
I love Soilwork as they're like a slightly less obvious Killswitch Engage. They're a really good metal band to party to. Some would say they're a bit 'metal chump' which may be true but I don't mind that. It makes me feel like I ought to be at a festival in Europe in shorts and sunglasses with a bottle of lukewarm cider in my hand singing along half cut at about 5pm. Plus, it always makes me laugh as Graham insists on singing the chorus in the voice of either Ren or Stimpy, so some central American accent.
Pressure by Skindred
I think Skindred are a band who really are unique. I've seen them a few times before and they've always put on a really good show. I'm not a massive fan of anything that's not on Babylon and this is one of the finest on there. I don't really like Ragga but this has enough to make it awesome but not so much that it's overkill.
Unison (Knife Party remix) by Porter Robinson
Porter Robinson is new to me but I love this song because it has a lot of bass, it's catchy and there's a drop in it that would probably frighten my mother half to death.
Fucking Hostile by Pantera
I love a bit of chuggy metal, as much as the next person. To be honest, this could have been any Pantera song. And who does chug better than Pantera?
The Scenic Route by Panacea
Panacea are new to me and when I got one of their albums, this is the only song that really appealed to me. I know it's a bit mainstream and a bit 'Jurassic 5 a là 1996' but I love the chords and the way it makes me feel. I want to drive in the sunshine to this and play it loudly. I want to wear sunglasses, shorts and my Clark's Originals sandals and drive around the countryside with my friends in the back of the car. I
Jaded by Open Hand
I'd never heard of this band until the boyf introduced them to be and from what I understand this one album is the only one that's actually of any cop really. Out of the 13 songs (I think) on this album, I adore about 6 of them. That's quite a high hit rate. It's just beautiful with a really lilting vocal line. I just need to remember not to focus on trying to hit the high notes when driving round tight corners.
Split the Atom by Noisia
I rarely experience it anymore but there's a feeling I get when I've had a certain substance and a few drinks and I'm out in a club with my friends and a banger of a tune comes on. It's a dirty little number that makes you hold your wine glass in the air, pout your lips and do your 'sexy dance' whilst giving your girlfriend the 'you know you want this' eyes that you'd prefer to be giving to your boyfriend if he wasn't there. This song reminds me of that coked up sexy feeling. Some of you will know what I mean by this.
Epitaph by Necrophagist
Cos everyone loves pretending to be the (air) drummer in a technical death metal band. It's just a shame that hands and feet are vital when operating a tonne of moving metal.
Katharsis by Nachtmahr
Oh man. Nachtmahr, I love Nachtmahr. I'll stop talking about Nachtmahr but I really love Nachtmahr.
Whiplash by Mr Scruff
Mr Scruff, ace tunes but miserable bastard. I like the adjectives that way round. I like the bass in this song, it makes me almost want to buy one of those sub woofer things that would take up the whole of my boot. But then I'd have no room for multi buy toilet rolls that I bought on special offer and I am, after all a Yorkshire woman at heart.
I Just Can't Stop Loving You by Michael Jackson
I love singing along to it. Car or no car.
I Need Air by Magnetic Man
I love everything about this song. Even that all the lyrics are obviously about giving head to someone. I love the triplet beat and the harmonies and the vocals. Everything. It's one of a few of my 'spacey' songs. Typical by MuteMath being one of the other.
Internet Friends by Knife Party
Trashy, I know. But it's funny and now I've hit the ripe old age of 27, I can have a laugh. The riff when it kicks in is dirty and you will throw down to it.
Something Kinda Ooh by Girls Aloud
This is probably about as bad as my musical taste gets. The ultimate in guilty pleasures.
8 Bit Superhero by Excision
Everyone loves 8 bit or chiptune and I can't drive to DJ Scotch Egg.
Pull me Under by Dream Theater
Don't tell anyone but when I was younger, I was a bit of a music snob and therefore liked Prog Rock. Thank the Lord I've managed to get my massive head out of my massive arse and open my (now poopy) eyes - there's loads of great music out there. Just cos Lames Labrie doesn't warble along to it, doesn't mean it's not good. But I still can't help but like this song.
My Own Summer by the Deftones
This reminds me of being about 19, in clubs in Leeds with my friends dancing like nobody could see me. Of course, I was wholly aware that everyone could see me and was probably judging me but 10 ciders, great music and my friends meant that I really didn't care. I still dance like a broken helicopter - just think of lots of random jerking about and broken propellors blades sticking out at jaunty angles. Yeah, I perfected that dance to this song.
Be Quiet and Drive by the Deftones
Because one Deftones song is never enough.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Resistanz Festival
We came back today from a festival.
It was a two day festival held at Corporation club, Sheffield and included amongst others, the following acts:
It was a two day festival held at Corporation club, Sheffield and included amongst others, the following acts:
- Grendel
- Nachtmahr
- Soman
- Memmaker
- Straftanz
- Ultraviolence
These all roughly fit into the Industrial / EBM / Hard dance kind of genre which is good as I really like this kind of music.
So the hotel was fine, the travel was fine, the bands were fine but the only things I had any concern about were my outfits and possibly being seen to 'not fit in'. I didn't care about being shitfaced or dancing like an idiot, I actually did both of those two things purposefully on the last night and had a whale of a time. I think because some of the outfits were so considered and extreme, I felt like I ought to be keeping up with the others in order to fit in.
There were a lot of wild and crazy outfits. There was more than one very tall, very thin man dressed in whale net nights and a tiny skirt with much eyeliner on and those cute little backpacks. There was more than one woman in a low cut latex top. There was more than one man in a kilt bounding about the place to the tunes the DJ was playing nearly taking out people and their drinks but nobody minding as he was having such a good time. There was more than one person dressed in the military uniform of Nachtmahr There was more than 1 pair of New Rock boots. In fact, I'd bet money on there being more than 200 pairs of New Rock boots at that festival, actually.
I decided to go with the Nachtmahr uniform which I suppose is making a bit of a statement as it ascribes itself to something very specific. Not just Goth or Cybergoth but one band in particular. But I really loved the outfit so thought 'fuck it', why not. I enjoyed it so much on the first night that I sacked off my second night's outfit and just wore the top half of the first night with some jeans.
We met so many cool people and had a really great time dancing and drinking. After a couple of drinks, I didn't care about fitting in or if my hat was straight so I can't imagine anyone else giving a shit at all.
I think the festival really made me think about my perceptions of myself and how others actually view me. To be honest, If I wore what I wore there to work then people would stare at me but that is to be expected. That's what happens when there is something different in a crowd of similarity. But it was quite refreshing to be just part of the crowd and nobody give you a second glance. I'm not saying I am the centre of attention all the time or that I ever want to be but I do seem to get a lot of looks in the street. It's not that I think I'm stunning and men fall at my feet, that's not what I mean. It's not that I get admiring looks, it's just looks. Perhaps because I'm brown but a bit 'alternative' so don't fit into some category or perhaps because I have a thin white boyfriend. Maybe it's cos I dress a bit differently but it's always been the same. So I guess it means I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about it.
I loved Resistanz because nobody cared that I was there.
I loved Resistanz because nobody cared that I was there.
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Birthday fun times
I've always had pretty naff birthdays.
The two that I can remember being really fun were my 19th and my 25th.
My 19th I was taken out for a meal which was of no consequence really but I had a great night out with my friends. It was one of those nights where you get completely ruined on disgusting cheap gin but at no point feel too drunk or bad. I was merry for the whole of the evening, it was great. Still, it was some time ago though so it's a bit of a blur.
My 25th is a lot clearer. I think I appreciated it more because in the 2 months preceding my birthday I:
The two that I can remember being really fun were my 19th and my 25th.
My 19th I was taken out for a meal which was of no consequence really but I had a great night out with my friends. It was one of those nights where you get completely ruined on disgusting cheap gin but at no point feel too drunk or bad. I was merry for the whole of the evening, it was great. Still, it was some time ago though so it's a bit of a blur.
My 25th is a lot clearer. I think I appreciated it more because in the 2 months preceding my birthday I:
- Broke up with a long term boyfriend. Well, 4 years but that is a long time in my book.
- Broken our tenancy agreement early and arranged to move out of our house.
- Found and signed for a flat of my own.
- Applied for and was offered a new job at a higher pay grade and with more responsibility.
This all sounds fantastic and retrospectively it makes me want to sing verses from all of these songs:
- Movin' On Up by M People
- Independent Woman by Destiny's Child
- I'm Every Woman by Chaka Khan
Basically, all the songs that my mum used to play on repeat at full blast for the first 6 months after she divorced my father.
But, at the time it was fucking knackering. That's when I first started to really suffer with insomnia. I'd had bouts of it before but that was the first time in my life that I'd be hysterical and be in tears at 5am when I hadn't slept a wink and the sun was coming up and the birds were starting to sing. People always bang on about how beautiful summer is with singing birds and never-ending sunshine. But when you haven't slept a wink and are in tears and feel sick at the prospect of getting up and having to even think about functioning for a dull day, the sound of birds just screams 'YOU FAIL AT SLEEPING' to me. It just rubs in the fact that I didn't have any sleep and the fact that every fucker else did means they're more than happy to hear these chirping birds.
Anyway, this is turning into a post about insomnia and that isn't for now.
Basically, at the time, it was fucking hard. I was frazzled and just kept thinking that the end was in sight. Ironically, one of the reasons that my ex and I broke up was that I wanted to go travelling and visit other places and he didn't. The fact that I booked a holiday for my birthday half way around the world was the final nail in the coffin for our relationship.
But, on the day that I left for Rio, I left that house and that relationship. I think heading off to the train station to go to London (and then Heathrow and then Rio de Janeiro!!) was the first time I started thinking about all those schmaltzy songs about being an independent woman and so on. I think because I had had such a shit 2 months running up to the holiday, I was predisposition to have a fantastic time as I'd worked so hard to get there.
I did have a fantastic time, there was sightseeing, sunshine, beer, fantastic South American coke that blew my bloody head off and then some out and out good clean fun. I've got some fantastic pictures from that holiday and it's really fuelled me to want to go on and see other parts of the world. My actual birthday was fantastic, I was half way around the world with 3 really good girlfriends and we ended our night skinny dipping in the Atlantic ocean watching the sun come up. What more could I want?
So yes, they were the two good birthdays.
The rest of them have varied between OK, 6/10 and fucking dreadful, I wish this day was over 1/10. I don't know where I go wrong. Maybe I set myself up too much and then it's always a disappointment. Perhaps I've made the mistake with spending it which a boyfriend if I was with someone at the time. I now note that both my 19th and 25th birthdays were spent without boyfriends, maybe this is the theme!
Last year, my 26th birthday was dreadful. A long story but it ended with me crying on my own in a horrible shared house that I didn't like. I'd moved into it to be nearer to the very same person who'd ruined my birthday. Not good.
So this year I decided to mash things up a little. I decided to throw a party. An actual party with friends, drinks, balloons and sweets. Not the kind of party that my mum threw for me when I was about 6 which involved pass the parcel, sleeping lions and musical chairs although that would be pretty cool. I mean, it's going to be my friends and I having a really good time and just dancing and drinking. It doesn't matter what I wear, or how much money I've got or if everyone comes back to our house and smokes in the top bedroom and makes it smell. As long as my friends are here and we have a good time, I really don't care.
I've learned my lesson - don't expect boyfriends to make your birthday. Expect you and your friends to make your birthday and everything else will just fall into place.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
I need a fucking hobby
I need a fucking hobby.
I mean, it's not like I'm not very busy - I do have stuff going on but there's a lot of time that I waste. I want to do something that I enjoy (not like wanking or looking at houses on RightMove that I'll never be able to afford. They're more a pastime than a hobby) that I can focus on and develop.
I asked Twitter for suggestions today and nearly all of them were shot down.
I hate 'stuff'. I have no interest in a hobby that means I have to collect, buy or create things. I don't attribute value to physical things which unfortunately rules out so many things. I don't want to start collecting something in an aim to get the full set, that involves money, effort, patience, good timing and A FUCKING INTEREST IN COLLECTING STUFF. It's a very passive hobby, I don't know what I'd get out of collecting stuff apart from the adrenaline of getting something to add to the collection. If I wanted an adrenaline rush I'd have sex, do 10 mins of determined chanting or have some Ribena. All the sugar in that stuff really gets me going
I don't like craft things. I totally respect that others love it and love to make things and discuss it with other people. I love the social aspect of it, I know girls on Twitter who get together to discuss craft and do things and drink. That's fantastic. Do I wanna do it on my own and have all this stuff knocking around my house? No. I just don't have that kind of nature. Maybe it's my Buddhist nature coming through here but I strive to not attribute value to possessions so don't see the value in making things like that. I guess it would be good to make those things and give them to other people but I know that most of my friends don't have those kinds of interest either.
So no craft and no collecting.
Cooking, baking and brewing my own booze. I have a lot of interest in these things and would love to create them! One of my aims in my 1,000,000 daimoku campaign is to lose some weight. Baking and cooking as a hobby will not help this - I can't have all this kind of stuff in the house!
I've had suggestions for fish, fishing, photography, exercise and joining some kind of sport activity. I think if I really put my mind to getting fit (and then trying to keep fit), a sport and exercise could be really good. I'll have to mull that over - it would be good but I have no interest in it. I think I'd have to throw myself into it and then just hope that the enthusiasm would follow.
I need a fucking hobby! Must think harder.
I mean, it's not like I'm not very busy - I do have stuff going on but there's a lot of time that I waste. I want to do something that I enjoy (not like wanking or looking at houses on RightMove that I'll never be able to afford. They're more a pastime than a hobby) that I can focus on and develop.
I asked Twitter for suggestions today and nearly all of them were shot down.
I hate 'stuff'. I have no interest in a hobby that means I have to collect, buy or create things. I don't attribute value to physical things which unfortunately rules out so many things. I don't want to start collecting something in an aim to get the full set, that involves money, effort, patience, good timing and A FUCKING INTEREST IN COLLECTING STUFF. It's a very passive hobby, I don't know what I'd get out of collecting stuff apart from the adrenaline of getting something to add to the collection. If I wanted an adrenaline rush I'd have sex, do 10 mins of determined chanting or have some Ribena. All the sugar in that stuff really gets me going
I don't like craft things. I totally respect that others love it and love to make things and discuss it with other people. I love the social aspect of it, I know girls on Twitter who get together to discuss craft and do things and drink. That's fantastic. Do I wanna do it on my own and have all this stuff knocking around my house? No. I just don't have that kind of nature. Maybe it's my Buddhist nature coming through here but I strive to not attribute value to possessions so don't see the value in making things like that. I guess it would be good to make those things and give them to other people but I know that most of my friends don't have those kinds of interest either.
So no craft and no collecting.
Cooking, baking and brewing my own booze. I have a lot of interest in these things and would love to create them! One of my aims in my 1,000,000 daimoku campaign is to lose some weight. Baking and cooking as a hobby will not help this - I can't have all this kind of stuff in the house!
I've had suggestions for fish, fishing, photography, exercise and joining some kind of sport activity. I think if I really put my mind to getting fit (and then trying to keep fit), a sport and exercise could be really good. I'll have to mull that over - it would be good but I have no interest in it. I think I'd have to throw myself into it and then just hope that the enthusiasm would follow.
I need a fucking hobby! Must think harder.
Monday, 2 January 2012
My determinations for 2012
Yesterday I did lilac at New Year's Day gongyo celebration in Morley, Leeds. Getting up at 0755 yesterday morning was difficult and standing in the lashing rain for nearly 35 minutes waiting for a lift wasn't great either. But, as soon as as I got to this little old stone building in Morley that was freezing and had enough plastic cups to last a lifetime, I felt better. I felt like the celebration was finally kicking off and I had a part to play. I stopped regretting cutting my New Year's Eve celebrations short. I stopped feeling cross about having to stand in the rain for so long and my heart warmed towards everyone else who'd also been standing in the rain and had to go to bed before 3am. We'd all made this effort to celebrate New Year with each other and that was fantastic.
The action team were all crowded round someone's little Omamori Gohonzon and we did a quick 5 minute action gongyo. There was such a great spirit and we all resolved to do the best that we could. I felt fantastic in my lilac uniform and felt that I was creating such value by supporting our members. What was making a cup of tea or fetching water to me was making someone's New Year's Day celebration even better - how can I be unhappy doing this?
Anyway, after some experiences and determinations for 2012 from our members, it made me question what my determinations should be. I wanted to have achievable determinations and measurable ones. I didn't want to create something that was unachievable and then I'd beat myself up for not getting there. I want to make a positive change in my life and I want to be able to achieve things that take me there. Even though I don't know what I want to do in my career, there are things that I would like in order to improve my life state and situation. I think once I'm operating in a higher life state and have my Buddhahood making more of the decisions rather than the devilish functions that often run my life then I'll have clarity and vision and be able to move on. I never chant for a new job, I chant to reveal the innate Buddahood which is wise and will help me to make the right decision. Sometimes it's easy to chant for worldly possessions and I've chanted for a new house, to pass my driving theory test and other things. I should concentrate on trying to reveal my Buddhood, elevate my life state, have strong Ichinin and create value. All these small trifling matters will then take care of themselves. I know this to be true.
My determinations for 2012 are:
The action team were all crowded round someone's little Omamori Gohonzon and we did a quick 5 minute action gongyo. There was such a great spirit and we all resolved to do the best that we could. I felt fantastic in my lilac uniform and felt that I was creating such value by supporting our members. What was making a cup of tea or fetching water to me was making someone's New Year's Day celebration even better - how can I be unhappy doing this?
Anyway, after some experiences and determinations for 2012 from our members, it made me question what my determinations should be. I wanted to have achievable determinations and measurable ones. I didn't want to create something that was unachievable and then I'd beat myself up for not getting there. I want to make a positive change in my life and I want to be able to achieve things that take me there. Even though I don't know what I want to do in my career, there are things that I would like in order to improve my life state and situation. I think once I'm operating in a higher life state and have my Buddhahood making more of the decisions rather than the devilish functions that often run my life then I'll have clarity and vision and be able to move on. I never chant for a new job, I chant to reveal the innate Buddahood which is wise and will help me to make the right decision. Sometimes it's easy to chant for worldly possessions and I've chanted for a new house, to pass my driving theory test and other things. I should concentrate on trying to reveal my Buddhood, elevate my life state, have strong Ichinin and create value. All these small trifling matters will then take care of themselves. I know this to be true.
My determinations for 2012 are:
- Aim to finish my 1,000,000 Daimoku campaign.
- Pass my driving test.
- To have discussions with members of my family in other to create a relationship that works for us.
- To have learned the Lotus Sutra chapters recited during Gongyo off by heart.
There are other things that I will aim to start doing in 2012:
- Everyday I will do a task that creates value. I will write what I've done and how it's created value in my diary.
- In difficult situations, I must stop and think of cause and effect. Everything that happens in my life happens for a reason; is my responsibility and I must fight to change my karma.
- I will attend more discussion meetings and offer to support as a lilac.
- I will aim to attend a summer course in 2012, either in England or overseas.
I think these are achievable. I will fight to achieve these. I think once I have achieved these, I will be in a higher life state and will be able to move on to do so much more!
Here we go 2012.
I think I'd rather be in The Gambia
So my last blog post outlined how much of an effort I would be making this Christmas seeing my family and how much effort I would be putting into the day for my family. I was really looking forward to that day and seeing my family.
Then the day arrived. Nobody had the decency to tell me that they were going to be late until I checked with sister 1. Everyone was due to arrive at 1300 but only when asking sister 1 at 1215 did I learn that sister 1 was ready but sister 2 hadn't even got into the shower yet. My mother hadn't arrived and my nieces weren't dressed. I played foolish and rang sister 2 at 1245 to ask if she was still coming and if she'd be on time as I wanted to get my timings right. She confirmed that she would be on time. I also rang my mother who confirmed that she would be on time too. Total tripe!
I told G that they were going to be late and that I was really annoyed at everyone but he didn't help matters by just adding that he wasn't really looking forward to the whole thing either. I burst into tears and spent at least 15 minutes crying into some root veg. G and I discussed things and he agreed to help me so at least I had someone on my side.
My family turned up eventually. They were an hour late. Sister 1 apologised profusely. Mother briefly apologised and then swiftly moved onto the Hula Hoops. Sister 2 didn't apologise at all and immediately took over the beanbag and started playing about on her phone. I guess I should have known by the way she ignored that we'd have a pretty tricky time. Our drinks discussion:
Me: So, can I get you a drink? We've got hot, cold or alcoholic.
Sister 2: Whatever.
Me: So does that mean you do want one or you don't?
Sister 2: I don't mind.
Me: OK. So do you want a hot drink or an alcoholic drink?
Sister 2: Not an alcoholic one, I've got to look after the kids.
Me: You sure?
Sister 2: No. I'll have whatever.
Me: OK, you'll drink whatever I bring you?
Sister 2: Yeah.
Me: Right, here you go, I've got a can of John Smith's.
Sister 2: I'm not drinking that. It's disgusting.
Me: Right. So you won't drink anything then?
And that's how it continued. She didn't get involved in any of the discussion and let her kids run wild without speaking to them. I said I didn't know our wireless password but she asked G when I was in the kitchen who gave it to her. She then just sat on FaceBook and started playing games. She didn't offer to help with any cooking or laying the table. She didn't say thanks for the food.
G and my nieces made that day for me. I don't need a pat on the back for every task that I do but a thank you and a bit of appreciation would have been nice. Sister 1 was fine and I thanked her for ferrying everyone over here. She told me that neither my mother or sister2 offered petrol money or said thanks for a lift. Sister 2 is the sister who's paying for her university course by herself so is skint as it is. I'm really glad that she took the time and effort to bring people here.
I just think that next year, although the festive spirit is kind of there and I don't feel the same animosity as I have done in previous years, I don't think I'll be making this faff again.
I'd like to be in a country that doesn't celebrate Christmas, ideally a Muslim country where it's hot and nobody worries about burning parsnips or running out of bog roll.
Next year, I think I'd rather be in the Gambia.
Then the day arrived. Nobody had the decency to tell me that they were going to be late until I checked with sister 1. Everyone was due to arrive at 1300 but only when asking sister 1 at 1215 did I learn that sister 1 was ready but sister 2 hadn't even got into the shower yet. My mother hadn't arrived and my nieces weren't dressed. I played foolish and rang sister 2 at 1245 to ask if she was still coming and if she'd be on time as I wanted to get my timings right. She confirmed that she would be on time. I also rang my mother who confirmed that she would be on time too. Total tripe!
I told G that they were going to be late and that I was really annoyed at everyone but he didn't help matters by just adding that he wasn't really looking forward to the whole thing either. I burst into tears and spent at least 15 minutes crying into some root veg. G and I discussed things and he agreed to help me so at least I had someone on my side.
My family turned up eventually. They were an hour late. Sister 1 apologised profusely. Mother briefly apologised and then swiftly moved onto the Hula Hoops. Sister 2 didn't apologise at all and immediately took over the beanbag and started playing about on her phone. I guess I should have known by the way she ignored that we'd have a pretty tricky time. Our drinks discussion:
Me: So, can I get you a drink? We've got hot, cold or alcoholic.
Sister 2: Whatever.
Me: So does that mean you do want one or you don't?
Sister 2: I don't mind.
Me: OK. So do you want a hot drink or an alcoholic drink?
Sister 2: Not an alcoholic one, I've got to look after the kids.
Me: You sure?
Sister 2: No. I'll have whatever.
Me: OK, you'll drink whatever I bring you?
Sister 2: Yeah.
Me: Right, here you go, I've got a can of John Smith's.
Sister 2: I'm not drinking that. It's disgusting.
Me: Right. So you won't drink anything then?
And that's how it continued. She didn't get involved in any of the discussion and let her kids run wild without speaking to them. I said I didn't know our wireless password but she asked G when I was in the kitchen who gave it to her. She then just sat on FaceBook and started playing games. She didn't offer to help with any cooking or laying the table. She didn't say thanks for the food.
G and my nieces made that day for me. I don't need a pat on the back for every task that I do but a thank you and a bit of appreciation would have been nice. Sister 1 was fine and I thanked her for ferrying everyone over here. She told me that neither my mother or sister2 offered petrol money or said thanks for a lift. Sister 2 is the sister who's paying for her university course by herself so is skint as it is. I'm really glad that she took the time and effort to bring people here.
I just think that next year, although the festive spirit is kind of there and I don't feel the same animosity as I have done in previous years, I don't think I'll be making this faff again.
I'd like to be in a country that doesn't celebrate Christmas, ideally a Muslim country where it's hot and nobody worries about burning parsnips or running out of bog roll.
Next year, I think I'd rather be in the Gambia.
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