Insomnia

Insomnia blows.

Operating out of Hell

In Nicherin Buddhism, we believe in a concept called 'The Ten Worlds'. At any one time we are operating out of one of these worlds but the interesting things about The Ten Worlds are:

1. At any time we are in one of the worlds, this incorporates the other nine at the same time. So we may be 90% of one world but the remaining 10% is made up of a tiny little bit of each of the other nine. This is always the case.
2. Each of the worlds has a positive side and a negative side to it, no matter what. The lowest world Hell, has a positive side and the highest world, Buddha, has a negative side. This is always the case.
3. We have the ability to change the world that we are currently living in. This is always the case.

I'm currently operating out of the world of Hell. I didn't know that I was until just now. I was doing evening Gongyo and during the personal prayers part of my practise I burst into uncontrollable tears. And then I realised so many things at the same time.

What I thought was an effort to do new and exciting things is really a fear of accepting and dealing with the things I currently have. I thought that doing these new things was me working out of the world of Learning. It's not. It's me shirking right what's on my own doorstep because I don't want to deal with it. I am operating out of Hell.

I thought telling my ex boyfriend that we could no longer even be just friends was the sensible thing to do. I thought it would save any potential heartache and would mean that I didn't feel responsible for any struggles that he may have. I thought I was in Realisation but  I was in fact being selfish and not opening my heart to anyone who wished to view it.  I am operating out of Hell.

I thought that striving in my life to be a 'good person' by volunteering and helping others was me operating out of the world of Boddhisatva. I thought that by assisting others and acting selflessly (but not self disrespectingly so) would create value in others' lives and encourage them to seek happiness for themselves. I was in fact trying to elevate myself above others so that I had a reason to feel good about myself and doing 'my bit'. I have enough self awareness to not put others down and make them feel bad but I am doing the opposite but to just the same amount of harm. I am not pushing myself for my own happiness or to create value for other people, I am doing it because I'm unhappy with myself as is and feel the need to make myself feel better than others by trying to create so much value. I am operating out of Jell.

I think the last time that I had a stern word with myself in such a way was around ten years ago. My parents had broken up and I had one traumatised mother and two unhappy little sisters. The situation, which is too long to explain at this time, made me reassess the whole way that I thought and acted. I made a conscious effort from that moment to always strive to be independent and to create value in my own life as I was sure that nobody else would do it. Over the last ten years, I've turned into a strong, independent and driven woman. These could be seen as good things in the eyes of some people but I know that they are not qualities based on a good grounding. They are traits forced out of extreme unhappiness and fear. I didn't know when was 'too much' and I think I've gone too far and in some regards, I've isolated myself.

I make acquaintances very easily. I made friends with some effort. I find it very difficult to make the kind of relationship that has that understood and accepted level of trust between two friends that means I would feel comfortable confiding my deepest, darkest secrets to this person. I don't know how to confide in people properly and I don't know how to deal with people confiding in me properly. I operate out of this world of hell where I have no compassion or wisdom and my response to someone in a crisis is usually 'if you don't like your situation, change it'. There's always a silent addendum of ' I didn't like my situation so changed it - you should do too'. I forget that sometimes it's not easy for people to change their situation. They might now have the courage to do it, the wisdom to know how to do it, or the knowledge of what they actually want to change. 

I never suffered fools gladly but I know now that I am the biggest fool of all. Ten years of struggling on without really developing my skills of compassion and wisdom for those closest around me have left me feeling a little empty. I have friends but I wish I could be better to them. I don't want to be an example of how things should be done to my friends and this is what I think I have striven to do. I want to be the equal of my friends and really respect their lives enough to put my ego to one side. I want them to trust me and value me like I value and love them, deep down. I just have this mask on that means I hide some emotions from people because they make me vulnerable. And the feeling of vulnerability is the worst feeling of all.

I made a pledge ten years ago to strive so hard and focus on the future with such determination that I would not feel the pain of anything negative in my life. Refusing to accept the pain means that I have also missed out on ten years of true friendships and the possibility of creating true value in mine and others' lives. I was for a long time dodging the bullets by running so fast that one would never catch me. For ten years I've been operating out of the world of hell.

I made a pledge today, ten years on that I will really strive to make deep connections with those who are the most treasured to me. This includes my family and my friends, without exception. I will finally stop striving to be the best and strive to be a fantastic, trusted friend to everyone around me. I can stop running because even if these bullets that I've been dodging for ten years hit me, I am prepared for them. With the connections that I have with others being so strong and unshakeable  and having the protection from the universe, nothing will hurt me.

"Since I willingly bring these troubles upon myself, when others vilify me, I do not rebuke them.  Even if I wanted to rebuke them, there are too many of them. And even when they strike me, I feel no pain, for I have been prepared for their blows from the very beginning".  On Repaying Debts of Gratitude by Nicherin Daishonin.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

10 sad songs

If I was going to make a CD of sad songs that would make me cry, these songs would be on it:

1. Isla d'Elba by Frank Gambale
2. Lontana by Ludovico Einaudi
3. Everything is Everything by Lauryn Hill
4. Bedshaped by Keane
5. The Earth Dies Screaming by UB40
6. I'm going down by Mary J Blige
7. Dayvan Cowboy by Boards of Canada
8. Minerva by The Deftones
9. My Angel Rocks Back and Forth by Fourtet
10.  You are mine by MuteMath