I need a fucking hobby

I need a fucking hobby.

I mean, it's not like I'm  not very busy - I do have stuff going on but there's a lot of time that I waste. I want to do something that I enjoy (not like wanking or looking at houses on RightMove that I'll never be able to afford. They're more a pastime than a hobby) that I can focus on and develop.

I asked Twitter for suggestions today and nearly all of them were shot down.

I hate 'stuff'. I have no interest in a hobby that means I have to collect, buy or create things. I don't attribute value to physical things which unfortunately rules out so many things. I don't want to start collecting something in an aim to get the full set, that involves money, effort, patience, good timing and A FUCKING INTEREST IN COLLECTING STUFF. It's a very passive hobby, I don't know what I'd get out of collecting stuff apart from the adrenaline of getting something to add to the collection. If I wanted an adrenaline rush I'd have sex, do 10 mins of determined chanting or have some Ribena. All the sugar in that stuff really gets me going

I don't like craft things. I totally respect that others love it and love to make things and discuss it with other people. I love the social aspect of it, I know girls on Twitter who get together to discuss craft and do things and drink. That's fantastic. Do I wanna do it on my own and have all this stuff knocking around my house? No. I just don't have that kind of nature. Maybe it's my Buddhist nature coming through here but I strive to not attribute value to possessions so don't see the value in making things like that. I guess it would be good to make those things and give them to other people but I know that most of my friends don't have those kinds of interest either.

So no craft and no collecting.

Cooking, baking and brewing my own booze. I have a lot of interest in these things and would love to create them! One of my aims in my 1,000,000 daimoku campaign is to lose some weight. Baking and cooking as a hobby will not help this - I can't have all this kind of stuff in the house!

I've had suggestions for fish, fishing, photography, exercise and joining some kind of sport activity. I think if I really put my mind to getting fit (and then trying to keep fit), a sport and exercise could be really good. I'll have to mull that over - it would be good but I have no interest in it. I think I'd have to throw myself into it and then just hope that the enthusiasm would follow.

I need a fucking hobby! Must think harder.

My determinations for 2012

Yesterday I did lilac at New Year's Day gongyo celebration in Morley, Leeds. Getting up at 0755 yesterday morning was difficult and standing in the lashing rain for nearly 35 minutes waiting for a lift wasn't great either. But, as soon as as I got to this little old stone building in Morley that was freezing and had enough plastic cups to last a lifetime, I felt better. I felt like the celebration was finally kicking off and I had a part to play. I stopped regretting cutting my New Year's Eve celebrations short. I stopped feeling cross about having to stand in the rain for so long and my heart warmed towards everyone else who'd also been standing in the rain and had to go to bed before 3am. We'd all made this effort to celebrate New Year with each other and that was fantastic.

The action team were all crowded round someone's little Omamori Gohonzon and we did a quick 5 minute action gongyo. There was such a great spirit and we all resolved to do the best that we could. I felt fantastic in my lilac uniform and felt that I was creating such value by supporting our members. What was making a cup of tea or fetching water to me was making someone's New Year's Day celebration even better - how can I be unhappy doing this?

Anyway, after some experiences and determinations for 2012 from our members, it made me question what  my determinations should be. I wanted to have achievable determinations and measurable ones. I didn't want to create something that was unachievable and then I'd beat myself up for not getting there. I want to make a positive change in my life and I want to be able to achieve things that take me there. Even though I don't know what I want to do in my career, there are things that I would like in order to improve my life state and situation. I think once I'm operating in a higher life state and have my Buddhahood making more of the decisions rather than the devilish functions that often run my life then I'll have clarity and vision and be able to move on. I never chant for a new job, I chant to reveal the innate Buddahood which is wise and will help me to make the right decision. Sometimes it's easy to chant for worldly possessions and I've chanted for a new house, to pass my driving theory test and other things. I should concentrate on trying to reveal my Buddhood, elevate my life state, have strong Ichinin and create value. All these small trifling matters will then take care of themselves. I know this to be true.

My determinations for 2012 are:

• Aim to finish my 1,000,000 Daimoku campaign.
• Pass my driving test.
• To have discussions with members of my family in other to create a relationship that works for us.
• To have learned the Lotus Sutra chapters recited during Gongyo off by heart.

There are other things that I will aim to start doing in 2012:

• Everyday I will do a task that creates value. I will write what I've done and how it's created value in my diary.
• In difficult situations, I must stop and think of cause and effect. Everything that happens in my life happens for a reason; is my responsibility and I must fight to change my karma.
• I will attend more discussion meetings and offer to support as a lilac.
• I will aim to attend a summer course in 2012, either in England or overseas.

I think these are achievable. I will fight to achieve these. I think once I have achieved these, I will be in a higher life state and will be able to move on to do so much more!

Here we go 2012.

I think I'd rather be in The Gambia

So my last blog post outlined how much of an effort I would be making this Christmas seeing my family and how much effort I would be putting into the day for my family. I was really looking forward to that day and seeing my family.

Then the day arrived. Nobody had the decency to tell me that they were going to be late until I checked with sister 1. Everyone was due to arrive at 1300 but only when asking sister 1 at 1215 did I learn that sister 1 was ready but sister 2 hadn't even got into the shower yet. My mother hadn't arrived and my nieces weren't dressed. I played foolish and rang sister 2 at 1245 to ask if she was still coming and if she'd be on time as I wanted to get my timings right. She confirmed that she would be on time. I also rang my mother who confirmed that she would be on time too. Total tripe!

I told G that they were going to be late and that I was really annoyed at everyone but he didn't help matters by just adding that he wasn't really looking forward to the whole thing either. I burst into tears and spent at least 15 minutes crying into some root veg. G and I discussed things and he agreed to help me so at least I had someone on my side.

My family turned up eventually. They were an hour late. Sister 1 apologised profusely. Mother briefly apologised and then swiftly moved onto the Hula Hoops. Sister 2 didn't apologise at all and immediately took over the beanbag and started playing about on her phone. I guess I should have known by the way she ignored that we'd have a pretty tricky time. Our drinks discussion:

Me: So, can I get you a drink? We've got hot, cold or alcoholic.
Sister 2: Whatever.
Me: So does that mean you do want one or you don't?
Sister 2: I don't mind.
Me: OK. So do you want a hot drink or an alcoholic drink?
Sister 2: Not an alcoholic one, I've got to look after the kids.
Me: You sure?
Sister 2: No. I'll have whatever.
Me: OK, you'll drink whatever I bring you?
Sister 2: Yeah.
Me: Right, here you go, I've got a can of John Smith's.
Sister 2: I'm not drinking that. It's disgusting.
Me: Right. So you won't drink anything then?

And that's how it continued. She didn't get involved in any of the discussion and let her kids run wild without speaking to them. I said I didn't know our wireless password but she asked G when I was in the kitchen who gave it to her. She then just sat on FaceBook and started playing games. She didn't offer to help with any cooking or laying the table. She didn't say thanks for the food.

G and my nieces made that day for me. I don't need a pat on the back for every task that I do but a thank you and a bit of appreciation would have been nice. Sister 1 was fine and I thanked her for ferrying everyone over here. She told me that neither my mother or sister2 offered petrol money or said thanks for a lift. Sister 2 is the sister who's paying for her university course by herself so is skint as it is. I'm really glad that she took the time and effort to bring people here.

I just think that next year, although the festive spirit is kind of there and I don't feel the same animosity as I have done in previous years, I don't think I'll be making this faff again.

I'd like to be in a country that doesn't celebrate Christmas, ideally a Muslim country where it's hot and nobody worries about burning parsnips or running out of bog roll.

Next year, I think I'd rather be in the Gambia.