Dear Hayley

Dear Hayley,

Please be happy.  Please strive to become really, really happy. Even though it doesn't seem like it right now, the universe and everything in it is working so hard to protect your beautiful life. Your happiness is the most important thing in your life.

But, this happiness won't just come on its own you know, you have to make real efforts to get onto the path of happiness. It's your responsibility to go and get it. I know that you know this deep down.

I know that when you read this you're probably feeling very low or very numb. Just feeling nothing at all really.  You're possibly worrying about  the many things in your life that seem to need your immediate attention. You cope well at first but then things don't settle down and it seems to become a never-ending cycle of things to do. This may be work related and then when you get home it seems that these things don't disappear from your head. It may be family related and you're feeling that you have to keep everything ticking over and feeling so stretched takes its toll on you. I know that you feel there's a never-ending list of things to do and all you want to do is run away and be alone.

It may be dissatisfaction with aspects of your life and you're frustrated that you don't feel you're getting anywhere. You look back over the years and the path that you've taken feels like it's not the one that you really wanted to take but to forge a new path now may be too difficult. But you're young Hayley. You're just worried about the unknown and a potential lack of security but you don't know what's out there, waiting for you to go and get it.

I know that insomnia doesn't help things either. I know it really aggressively diminishes your ability to cope.

Being in this state of negativity and hopelessness is a horrible place to be. It's not that where you want to be is far away, it's that you don't know where you want to be. But happiness isn't somewhere else, it's where you stand right this second. Honestly Hayley, it's right here. I promise you. You can't run away from your unhappiness and negativity because your happiness is all this shit and unhappiness you feel just waiting to be changed into something positive.

I know you feel that that sometimes the problem isn't your fault and sometimes it probably isn't, but the only thing that you can change is yourself. Please don't get worked up because you feel disrespected, you are only upsetting yourself. Just speak to the person/people in question when you feel stronger and explain how you feel.

I want these words to be of comfort and inspiration to you when you read them. Not full of twee bullshit sayings, but something that you really can take stock in and use to recalibrate yourself. Because I know that you can. Just look back at all the times when you've felt like this before. And no, you haven't run out of steam and can't do it. You know you haven't.

We don't need to talk about what makes you unhappy, we know what makes you unhappy. I just know that you have a choice. You can either continue to feel helpless and unhappy or you can choose to try and change things. I know that the latter is the most difficult option Hayley, I really, really do. But, you know it is the right thing to do. I want this to be something that gives you the courage to decide to change your karma.

If you are feeling sad because you feel like a slightly unhinged, obsessive, anal, cantankerous woman, then so what? You shouldn't care if you are these things. Not being anal makes you unhappy so do what you feel is right and natural. If you are sad because you think that you're going to be alone forever, then I cannot stress enough to you that you shouldn't change. Being alone and by yourself is so, so much better than compromising yourself to your own detriment to please someone else. You know this for a fact because you tried this and remember what happened? No boy or girl is worth changing yourself for. So fuck them. Actually, don't fuck them but when you are at your most confident and happy with yourself is when you are probably the most attractive.

Anyway, I know that you love to be to the point. So:

1. You are awesome. Insignificant, unapproachable and rude you are not.

2. Your happiness is your responsibility. How can you be truly happy if you let someone else be in control of your happiness?

3. You have this weird little daydream thing about time and endurance that includes clocks ticking. I can't describe it but you know what it is - just bide your time, lovely. Just continuing to strive will help.

4. Go easy on yourself. You're not a bad person you know. Just because you don't volunteer or chant as much as you feel you should - you are still making efforts!

You are loved, valued and respected and you deserve to be happy. Everyone you love knows this, please try to see it for yourself. Take a deep breath, go and snot on some loo roll and eat cakes. Then tomorrow, start again.

With all my love,

Hayley